Reflections- A Mothers Advice

Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most 

highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married
his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to
be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her
and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice
because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been
unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve
as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of
her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people
would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men
just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where
you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion
to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over
you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for
you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to
and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and
obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look
good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell
anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of
beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet
when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing
his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees)
and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth
shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants
shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and
never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you
will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his
heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset,
and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former
shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

‘Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much
as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until
you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in
whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and
protect you.”