The Homemaking Husband

Alhamdulilah this blog post is written in response to a sister who asked on the Traditional Muslimah Homemaking page about how can we get our husbands to do a fair share at home.

MashaAllah I'm a mom of four boys- four boys whom I pray will be good husbands, and while they are young: 5,4,2 and 8 months, they are absorbing a lot at their young age. They are picking up habits, they are impressionable mashaAllah and we have to make good impressions. Their father is their example . ...of how to be as a man- a father, a husband, a Muslim.

It is important their father show them how to be helpful around the home. Our beloved Prophet salAllahu alayhi wa salaam was helpful at home:

"He was very human: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself." (Reported by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/256; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 671) 
Aisha radiAlahu anha was also asked about what the Messenger of Allah salAllahu alayhi wa salaam used to do in his house, and she said, "He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray." (Reported by al-Bukhari, al-Fath, 2/162). 

How can we get our husbands to lend a loving helping hand more often?

1.) Please please please increase your gratitude. If he did the dishes, express gratitude.. "Wow subhanAllah habeebee, I really appreciate you doing x, y, and z for me. It's just what I needed to get done today, I love that you are so helpful"  you keep thanking him for what he does, and inshaAllah he will continue to do it. If you focus on what he is not doing then you will not see what he is doing right, It's motivating when someone tells you, you are doing a job well done. Makes you want to keep on going right? Give it time and he will keep it up inshaAllah

2.) Reward him- who does not like a little token of appreciation? Did he clean out that garage? Mop the floors? Picked his clothes up off the floor? Reward him, cook his favorite dinner, leave a sweet note, bake him a cake, and really whats sweeter than cake is the sweetness of appreciation manifested in action. Showing appreciation is important. The next time hubby washes clothes, be sure to do something nice in return. 

3.) Remind him- "But I tell him all the time he need to do some more work around the house, dang I'm just one person, I only have two hands" LOL alhamdulilah it's true, we are one person, and sometimes we have to give gentle reminders. "As salaamu alaykum ya habeebee, I'm feeling so tired today could you please do x, y, and z for me with a little a, b,c ?" Chances are your husband is not a mind reader, and he needs a loving reminder. Sometimes that's all some husbands need, leave a note on the fridge, write it on his to do list, text message him..but do not bombard him. Tricky? Not really.. if you combine 2 and 3 it just may work :) Plus, if you see him about to drop those clothes on the floor or put the dish in the sink... remind him of what to do, not in a bossy way. "Babe, if you're taking that in the kitchen can you wash that for me please, thanks a lot"  if you are working, and not home ..saying things such as "Before I come home, could you do a,b, and c? please?" and if he agrees, you may need to remind him lovingly.. a text message/email that says "i know youre busy doing abc, and I just wanted to say you're an awesome husband- thank you again, love you" not only did you remind him nicely, you complimented him.. and if he wasn't doing it, he probably will start before you get home lol.

4.) Team work- My husband is big on this!! He loves to help in the kitchen "4 hands are better than two" as he says, well it is true. Again, in a loving gentle way ask "Hey dear, I can get this done faster if we worked together.." "I love your company, mind helping me out doing such and such?" before you know it, you're laughing, talking and spending time together. This is how hubby and I make great meals together mashaAllah we have fun cooking together. Sometimes we are so busy talking, we actually move slow in getting things done, we then remind each other "Let's talk and work." MashaAllah team work work makes the dream work right?

5.) Patience patience and more patience-  InshaAllah he will come around, keep making duaa and using kind speech to let him know what you need. Also at the right time, simply saying what you need and how you feel is important, he cannot fix what is wrong if he does not know. How we go about it can either help or hurt us. This does not work: "OH MY GOD!! You see the dishes in the sink and you still didn't clean them!! I need a vacation! You don't do anything!!" yeah... you won't get good results this way. Best to keep calm (have you seen those pictures?) and say how you feel without insulting, arrogance, and rudeness. Insulting by saying he does nothing, arrogance because you feel like you do it all and he should be more like you and rudeness by putting him down. Hurting his manhood does not help.. reminder to myself . use our words to heal and not hurt.

Catch them when they are in the act of doing some help at home, and compliment him for a job well done! It's a blessing to have a husband who will go wash those cloth diapers for me, cook dinner at times, and watch the kids so I can get a little extra time in bed alhamdulilah.

He said to me one day, the more appreciation you show the more I am inclined to do those things. Yeah, it's true. My husband appreciates when I bake bread and it inspires me to bake more. If he did not pay it any mind and did not appreciate it, it would truly hurt my feelings and not give me the little spark I love to keep going.

When he tells me he loves my yogurt, I fall in love all over again lol, mashaAllah alhamdulilah. You know how it feels when your husband compliments you... so imagine how they feel. Alhamdulilah these are the few tips that have helped in my life, with the love of my life. I pray they are of some benefit.

-Ameera